From what you’ve seen so far, from the parts of me I’ve chosen to share, I seem so positive and like I’m someone who always looks on the bright side and someone who is happy, with my life and myself and about where I am at the moment.
But as a good friend pointed out to me, if I want to be authentic on this blog then I need to let you see all sides of me, the happy the positive and maybe even the dark. So, I’m writing this in a not good mood, a low mood and there’s a good chance I won’t even publish it so if this ends up on the blog, then know that this took all the courage I had in me.
My old science teacher told us a story. One time a boy was running around and he fell and grazed his knee and the boy didn’t want to hear ‘I know it hurts’ he wanted to hear ‘it won’t hurt for long’. And here’s the thing: when you’re young and just starting to get to know the world, it’s a different place. Everything’s so big and so uncertain but you know what you feel without a doubt and see no issues and have no hesitation to say exactly how you feel. But people’s judgement and ridicule changes us as we grow up to the point where too many people are scared to admit they’re not okay or too scared to say how they’re feeling.
So, that little fallen over boy knew he’d hurt himself, he didn’t need to be told anything other than, ‘it won’t hurt for long’. But I think that as we grow up, another part has to be added on. I think it shouldn’t just be ‘you’ll be okay’ I think it should also be, ‘I know you’re not okay right now’.
So as I’m writing this, I’m not okay. God, this is hard to write. As I’m writing this, there are thousands of thoughts raging and screaming in my mind, there’s no energy in me, there are hundreds of things I want to do but don’t have the will to. There are all these things on my mind, things I should be doing, people I should be talking to, work I should get done, effort I should put in, but I just can’t. Does anyone else have those bad days that just seem to never end? It’s harder than people think to remind yourself that a day is just 24 hours when an hour feels like 24 days.
Just to say, this isn’t a blog so that people will feel sorry for me or so that I’ll have messages saying ‘are you okay?’ It’s just, for this website to be me, for this to be honest and for this to be real I can’t hide the parts of myself that aren’t pretty, I can’t pretend to be anything other that who I am, and shying away from talking about it doesn’t seem very honest. And there are some days where I wake up myself, not only happy but really and truly me. But there are others where I wake already dreading the day ahead and that’s just where I am right now. But I’m getting better.
It terrifying telling someone how you really feel. Opening up to them and letting them see the most vulnerable and most hurt or hurting parts of yourself. To let someone see you, the real you, uncensored. It’s terrifying. And there are plenty of moods or times when you don’t feel in a position to share, and that’s okay. But, as hard as it is, try to remember: you have people in your life that love you, people that care.
So this is the me that’s hard to share and even harder to talk about, but it’s real and I can only hope for one person to read this and relate even the smallest bit. And I want you to know: it’s okay to talk about it. But above all:
It’s okay to not be okay.