don’t just look- see

“What do you see?,” I ask him, my eyes transfixed on the swirling mass of white fluff dappling the too blue, true blue, sky,

Spiralling, it begins as a dolphin, swimming in the sea of the sky, the above above our world, and turns into

A mermaid singing songs to the sailors ships, siren-like in her appeal and song, her powers of persuasion but changes into

A bird. Right at home among his own, soaring above cities, swooping and flying and riding the breeze like a wave, and for him, just living and now becoming

A girl. A sweet little girl. A sweet kind innocent little girl, unexposed to the big bad world, so simply being, laughing, singing- simply simple, but she grows up into

A bottle. What of? If only she’d know. Something bad for your health, your liver, and even worse for your judgement, something pouring into the blue, flooding it,

And the man beside me peels his eyes from his LED lights,

Glances impassively at the sky,

Glances impassively at me and says,

‘A cloud’-

And falls back into the world of a phone,

While forgetting his own.

Love, Hea xx

I wish she was still just breathing in snow

Before reading the rest of this blog, put on A-Team by Ed Sheeran

Snow White. We all know the story of the girl with the skin as white as snow and the hair as black as night. The one with the girl who runs away to a little cabin in the woods, with those 7 odd little men. The fairytale which taught us not to be vain and to wait for true love.

The song A-Team by Ed Sheeran, I thought, as a kid, it was based on Snow White. With her ‘white lips, pale face’

And her ‘long nights, strange men’. As it’s a fairytale, I thought the angel flew and, in the winter, danced in the snow.

Little did I know she was actually a ‘call girl’ ‘breathing in snowflakes,’ ‘straight down the line’.

Little did I know she ‘sells love to another man’ and ‘goes mad for a couple grams’

How could I have known about her ‘weary eyes, dry throat’ wasn’t just from singing to the animals to much?

As a kid, all you want is to be a teenager. The dream of being at parties at 3AM, about sitting in your convertible and flooring down the pedal, you and your group of friends screaming with joy, about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend and a phone and shopping and freedom.

The reality? It’s reality. Life doesn’t suddenly become a made for TV movie because you grow up. Your hair doesn’t stop tangling, your clothes don’t stop creasing, your brain doesn’t’t stop stressing. And even when you’re younger you’re told ‘don’t grow up too fast’ and you think well I just can’t wait to grow up and be older and be taller and bigger and get to be free and teenage. You think people are just saying ‘don’t grow up to fast’ because they don’t want to see you any older, they want to keep you a kid.

But they’re saying it for you. You can never unhear or undo or unthink or unsee something. You can never go back to being five and playing ‘it’ in the playground, giggling and laughing because you dodged so well. You can never go back to playing manhunt in year 5 and climbing the trees and just being a kid.

But right now, however old you are, however young, you’re at a place where you can do something you couldn’t ten years ago and you won’t being able to in ten years. You’re at a place where you will look back on and think, ‘I miss laughing like that’ or ‘I miss spending time with them’ or ‘I wish I could still do that’ but for right now you can. You can spend time with that person, you can laugh in a way you’ll never really forget, you can nothings even you don’t realise.

I have the rest of my life to make mistakes and mess up and do things I’m not proud of. But for right now, I don’t want to take it too fast. I might sometimes, I will sometimes, but for right now- I’m going to live and accept where I am,

Instead of wishing for the future,

I’ll let the future wish for me,

Love, Hea xx

don’t just exist in your life, live it

What’s the word? The word for when your heart fills and your mind buzzes and you just cannot get rid of that grin on your face? When you hear the thing you’ve been wanting to, waiting to, for too long? ‘You did it’, ‘It’s a boy’ or ‘I love you’. It can be as short as three words, or one, ‘yes’. As long as your language would allow a sentence to be. It could just be the right look at the right time from the right person and you just feel it. How can you put that feeling into words? That smile hidden, the smirk, because you just can’t stop yourself? That feeling of electricity coursing through your veins? That heart race and complete contentment, undeniable and unstoppable? You know what I’m talking about, right? You wanna know what I call it? What word encompasses all those strong feelings, that undeniable joy?

A purpose.

For those sunny days where the heat seeps through your skin, for those rainy days where you and your friend can’t breathe through the laughter, for those moments with that person you love where you just never want them to end. For the tears you cried and someone wiped away, for those lonely nights made better by the only person who could, for those secret jokes and moments, memories in your mind which mean more to you than any money or gift ever could. You want to know what I call it?

A reason.

What’s the word? The word which encompasses all of the laughs, each tear, every secret, every secret smile and hidden scar. What’s the word which describes every feeling and emotion you’ve ever felt.

Oh yeah, it’s called living.

And just you, still being here reading this, just your eyes scanning over my words, just the breath you just let out and the one you’re about to take in,

Well it proves you’re doing a damn good job.

Love, hea xx

We judge people for judging people because judging people is wrong

Realistically everyone judges everyone. The dictionary definition of the verb ‘judge’ is, ‘form an opinion or conclusion about.’ People will take one look at a person and decide what they think. If you were to say that to almost anyone in real life, they would profusely deny it, but if someone walked past you and had loads of piercings heavy eye make up and was dressed in all black and chains, you’re saying you wouldn’t decide what category you would put them into? And if someone walked past you in a short skirt, a push up bra, tight top and over done make up with their blown out hair, you’re saying your brain wouldn’t find a conclusion?

I’m going to admit something that not many people would:

I have a tendency to judge people on the limited information I have on them.

And I know that’s not right. I know it’s not what I should be doing and I know that there are 101 quotes about how ‘you can’t judge people unless you’re perfect’ and ‘if you judge me then that says more about you than it does about me’ but, listen.

Why does judging have to be negative?

When you meet someone and they’re lovely, really kind and sweet and caring: you judge them. You ‘form an opinion or conclusion about’ them. You think: that person is a nice person.

So why does judging have to be negative?

Those girls you walk past and you try to categorise, maybe instead think, ‘she looks like a badass’ or ‘she has such a good figure’. Factually, realistically: you judge people. Whether you share your judgements or you keep it in your mind, you judge people. Whether positively or negatively: you judge people.

So just work on your outlook on that judgement. Whether you decide what you think and refuse to change it, whether you take people on their looks, whether you get to know the real them. Judging people isn’t going to change, but maybe we can.

I asked a small group of people whether they think that they judge people. 64% said yes. The other 36%? They’re lying. Before I get hate messages and people being annoyed at me, every single person on this planet has formed an opinion or judgement on a person. You have. I have. We all have.

So just make that judgement count.

It’s okay to not be okay…

From what you’ve seen so far, from the parts of me I’ve chosen to share, I seem so positive and like I’m someone who always looks on the bright side and someone who is happy, with my life and myself and about where I am at the moment.

But as a good friend pointed out to me, if I want to be authentic on this blog then I need to let you see all sides of me, the happy the positive and maybe even the dark. So, I’m writing this in a not good mood, a low mood and there’s a good chance I won’t even publish it so if this ends up on the blog, then know that this took all the courage I had in me.

My old science teacher told us a story. One time a boy was running around and he fell and grazed his knee and the boy didn’t want to hear ‘I know it hurts’ he wanted to hear ‘it won’t hurt for long’. And here’s the thing: when you’re young and just starting to get to know the world, it’s a different place. Everything’s so big and so uncertain but you know what you feel without a doubt and see no issues and have no hesitation to say exactly how you feel. But people’s judgement and ridicule changes us as we grow up to the point where too many people are scared to admit they’re not okay or too scared to say how they’re feeling.

So, that little fallen over boy knew he’d hurt himself, he didn’t need to be told anything other than, ‘it won’t hurt for long’. But I think that as we grow up, another part has to be added on. I think it shouldn’t just be ‘you’ll be okay’ I think it should also be, ‘I know you’re not okay right now’.

So as I’m writing this, I’m not okay. God, this is hard to write. As I’m writing this, there are thousands of thoughts raging and screaming in my mind, there’s no energy in me, there are hundreds of things I want to do but don’t have the will to. There are all these things on my mind, things I should be doing, people I should be talking to, work I should get done, effort I should put in, but I just can’t. Does anyone else have those bad days that just seem to never end? It’s harder than people think to remind yourself that a day is just 24 hours when an hour feels like 24 days.

Just to say, this isn’t a blog so that people will feel sorry for me or so that I’ll have messages saying ‘are you okay?’ It’s just, for this website to be me, for this to be honest and for this to be real I can’t hide the parts of myself that aren’t pretty, I can’t pretend to be anything other that who I am, and shying away from talking about it doesn’t seem very honest. And there are some days where I wake up myself, not only happy but really and truly me. But there are others where I wake already dreading the day ahead and that’s just where I am right now. But I’m getting better.

It terrifying telling someone how you really feel. Opening up to them and letting them see the most vulnerable and most hurt or hurting parts of yourself. To let someone see you, the real you, uncensored. It’s terrifying. And there are plenty of moods or times when you don’t feel in a position to share, and that’s okay. But, as hard as it is, try to remember: you have people in your life that love you, people that care.

 

So this is the me that’s hard to share and even harder to talk about, but it’s real and I can only hope for one person to read this and relate even the smallest bit. And I want you to know: it’s okay to talk about it. But above all:

It’s okay to not be okay.