It’s okay

Not everyone’s going to like you. You won’t be everyone’s person. You may not have much in common, may not have the same sense of humour, may not have much to talk about.

Or, you may be too similar and clash, may be too different and have all this distance between you.

You may prefer people with stronger characters, you may prefer people with less conviction, you may prefer smarter people, or people with lower intelligence, you may just not be destined to get on.

And I think I have to remind you guys, that’s okay.

Realistically, you don’t like everyone, right? You don’t like every single person you meet, at school, at work, at home-

And I hate to break it to you, but not everyone’s going to like you either.

As my friend described it, ‘you’d have to be a bit of a nothing person for everyone to like you, but even then there’s no way that everyone would.’

And it’s true.

What I like in people are people who believe what they believe and aren’t afraid to disagree with you, people who make me laugh just by being themselves, people who build me and others up, people who know that they’re perfectly imperfect, but that that’s okay.

But someone out there might like people who don’t share their opinion or belief if it causes conflict, people who put on a face everyday, a mask they hide behind, people who are more malicious and hurtful, people who are completely blind to their own faults-

And that’s okay.

It’s okay for every single person you meet to not like you, it’s okay if you aren’t every single persons’ type of person, it’s okay to not get along with every single person,

As long as you get on with the married people, am-I-right? (Sorry, bad joke, bad time),

As long as you have people, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, family, colleagues, peers that you get on with, that you like and that like you back.

Of course, this won’t be the same for everyone reading this, but personally, I would rather have close friends who I trust and love and who trust and love me, than have everyone ‘know’ me and everyone ‘like’ me,

Because that’s just who I am,

And you know what?

That’s okay,

Love, Hea xx

I wish she was still just breathing in snow

Before reading the rest of this blog, put on A-Team by Ed Sheeran

Snow White. We all know the story of the girl with the skin as white as snow and the hair as black as night. The one with the girl who runs away to a little cabin in the woods, with those 7 odd little men. The fairytale which taught us not to be vain and to wait for true love.

The song A-Team by Ed Sheeran, I thought, as a kid, it was based on Snow White. With her ‘white lips, pale face’

And her ‘long nights, strange men’. As it’s a fairytale, I thought the angel flew and, in the winter, danced in the snow.

Little did I know she was actually a ‘call girl’ ‘breathing in snowflakes,’ ‘straight down the line’.

Little did I know she ‘sells love to another man’ and ‘goes mad for a couple grams’

How could I have known about her ‘weary eyes, dry throat’ wasn’t just from singing to the animals to much?

As a kid, all you want is to be a teenager. The dream of being at parties at 3AM, about sitting in your convertible and flooring down the pedal, you and your group of friends screaming with joy, about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend and a phone and shopping and freedom.

The reality? It’s reality. Life doesn’t suddenly become a made for TV movie because you grow up. Your hair doesn’t stop tangling, your clothes don’t stop creasing, your brain doesn’t’t stop stressing. And even when you’re younger you’re told ‘don’t grow up too fast’ and you think well I just can’t wait to grow up and be older and be taller and bigger and get to be free and teenage. You think people are just saying ‘don’t grow up to fast’ because they don’t want to see you any older, they want to keep you a kid.

But they’re saying it for you. You can never unhear or undo or unthink or unsee something. You can never go back to being five and playing ‘it’ in the playground, giggling and laughing because you dodged so well. You can never go back to playing manhunt in year 5 and climbing the trees and just being a kid.

But right now, however old you are, however young, you’re at a place where you can do something you couldn’t ten years ago and you won’t being able to in ten years. You’re at a place where you will look back on and think, ‘I miss laughing like that’ or ‘I miss spending time with them’ or ‘I wish I could still do that’ but for right now you can. You can spend time with that person, you can laugh in a way you’ll never really forget, you can nothings even you don’t realise.

I have the rest of my life to make mistakes and mess up and do things I’m not proud of. But for right now, I don’t want to take it too fast. I might sometimes, I will sometimes, but for right now- I’m going to live and accept where I am,

Instead of wishing for the future,

I’ll let the future wish for me,

Love, Hea xx

Regret

What do you regret? When you look back at your life so far, regardless how long, regardless how short, when you think about the moments that led you to the moment you’re in now, how many do you regret? That person that broke your heart, that thing you shouldn’t have said, the one that got away, what would you change if you could?

Now, some people reading this will be thinking, I’d change nothing because each awkward conversation, every sleepless night and all the people I’ve known will have shaped me to who I am today, I wouldn’t change it because it’s part of me and who I am now.

The rest of us? I’m thinking about the stupid comments that only escalated petty fights, saying something out of anger that made you cover your mouth in shock, that comment that was a bit too personal, too impolite and you only realised after you saw the distaste clear in their eyes. I’m speaking about walking into the wrong room and going red in the face at all the faces staring up at you, the moment you rolled your eyes and the person you were doing it at saw you. I’m talking about the moments that make you cringe and squirm even now,

You wouldn’t change them if you would?

Now, I’m not here to tell you how to live or what to think, but someone said something to me that really upset me honestly enough, ‘if I don’t do it then I can’t regret it’. And it got me thinking, these phrases, ‘you’ll only regret the things you didn’t do’- well I don’t agree. If you were in a bad place in your life and wanted to do something, you won’t regret not having done it. ‘You only regret the things you do do’- well I don’t agree either. The amount of times my social anxiety or awkwardness got in the way of me asking friends or putting myself out there, well it’s innumerable. The amount of quotes about regret, ‘regret is a form of punishment in itself’, ‘never regret something that made you happy’, ‘I made decisions that I regret and took them as learning experiences’ and on and on and while, to an extent, I agree with them all, in my opinion there’s only one quote about regret which it universally true:

Hindsight’s a bitch.

Thinking what you could’ve done, should’ve done, would do if you could try again, well, I agree, it’s you punishing yourself. Obsessing over the past, what’s happened, what would’ve happened, what could’ve happened, well there’s only one word for it:

Exhausting.

There’s one quote about regret which really hit home was by Yoko Ono, ‘the regret of my life is that I have not said ‘I love you’ often enough’ and here’s the thing about regret: right now, the second you’re reading this, the second you’re living this: you have a choice. You can leave a nice comment (which is much appreciated) and move on with your day, you can think about it or you can right now click off and go text your mum or dad or gran or gramps or brother or sister or friend or even a fifth cousin twice removed and just tell them what they mean to you. Tell them you love them. It’s as simple as that. The small messages, the small changes, that’s what’s gounna reshape the world and what we think.

So this Tuesday’s homework is to tell someone what they mean to you,

Make the world a bit of a brighter place for someone

Love, Hea xx

Are you happy?

This blog isn’t a ‘blog’ as such, instead, a poem I wrote today. I hope at least one line, especially the last line, will make you think:

 

See those kids in that green park? 

And hear the freedom in their laugh?

You were once them

 

See the teens just to the right?

See them in their empty fight?

You’ll become them

 

See the tears rolling down their face?

Wishing for anything, other than this place?

You have been them

 

See the couple arm in arm?

The way their smiles makes your heart dance?

You can be them

 

See the mirror before you now?

See the furrow in your brows?

 

If your 6 year old self were looking at you, here

Would they recognise who you are today?

If they pulled at your sleeve and said, ‘are you happy?’

Answer honestly, what would you say?

————————————————

Love, Hea xx

(And just a quick explanation of the name, ‘Hea’ stands for Hoping Ever After <–(click here for the blog explaining the name))

What is a best friend?

It makes no sense for there to be a ‘best friend’. There are some friends you laugh with, some you cry with, some you dream with. There are some you fight with, there are some you chat with and there are some you do it all with, and if you find that person then you are very lucky because not many of us do.

There are so many people in all of our lives. Some we’re best friends, some we’re close, some we’re friends, some we’re friendly, and some we just don’t like. And that’s okay,

But why does our friendship have to be put in a box?

I have a friend to get existential with. A friend to laugh until I cry with. A friend to cry until I laugh with. A friend to watch a movie with. A friend to gossip and bitch with. A friend to hate with. A friend to joke with. I have many who do most, if not all of these things, but here’s the thing:

No one person on this planet is perfect.

No one will never annoy you. No one will never upset you. No one will never anger you. But I think what makes a best friend is having a kind of relationship where the good overrides the bad.

The other day me and one of my best friends were discussing what we thought the others worst trait was. Hers to me was a hypocrite (yes, there is a blog coming up about that) and hers was being strongly opinionated.

But you know what else being a best friend means?

Their most annoying trait being their favourite trait of yours at the same time. My opinionated friend, one of the things that made me love her in the first place was the way she was so passionate and fierce in her beliefs. I have one friend who would do anything for anyone, and while that’s her best trait, at the same time there can be negative impacts on herself so it can be the worst. I have a friend who believes so strongly in her sense of wrong and right. And while fighting against her might be a nightmare, at the same time just to know her is so be drawn in be her passion and love for her friends, loyalty being on her lists of rights.

So, do I have a best friend?

No I don’t. I have a few best friends who I love with my whole heart but, no I don’t have one definite best friend,

And I’m not even sorry.

The fact is I love all my friends for the different things they bring to my life, and who am I to decide who’s my favourite?

Love, Hea xx

My experience with depression

Guys, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. My heart is pounding and my head is spinning and I’m not just scared, I’m terrified.

This blog as a whole is about topical issues and our society and are always very positive and optimistic, but as a rule quite impersonal.

But this post is about my experience with depression.

I’m being open and honest and I’m genuinely shaking but this is a blog I’ve been meaning to do since starting Hea.

One piece of feedback I regularly get back is that my blog is no bull and no sugar coating so this won’t be any different. I am not posting this for attention or pity or anything in-between: this is close to me and people I know, so needs to be said.

I had depression. Severe atypical depression for two to three months. Not too long a time in the grand scheme of things,

But it felt like a lifetime.

It was like being surrounded with smoke. You can’t see clearly and that makes it harder to think clearly and that makes it more tiring to get through a day and then you’re using all your energy just trying to breathe. I always described it as a ‘grey haze’ because the world was so drained and lifeless and colourless and exhausting and it was like the air was too heavy, too thick, for me, thicker than it seemed to be for anyone else. And I had to keep going. I went to lessons, tried to concentrate, tried to concentrate on concentrating, all the while trying to be normal and act like everything was fine.

But it wasn’t.

I know, I was fine some of the time. Not just fine, good. That’s why it’s atypical. And I know two to three months is not a long time in comparison to others who have had it. For some people it can last literally years and for some people it’s genetic and clinical and never goes away and for some people it’s annual at winter with SAD. And my god am I sorry to anyone who has that, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that is.

Because my lord is it hard. Hard to try and care, hard to feel like you’re letting everyone down while not having the energy to do anything about it, hard to keep going when everything in you screams ‘stop!’

And I don’t want people going on about how strong and brave I am because I did what I had to do to get through it. Hearing ‘why do you look so depressed?’ almost daily didn’t help, nor did people miming shooting themselves or hanging themselves,

But I did what I had to.

And I’m better. That’s why I’m writing this today. I was walking through the village and as I walked down the street I was just smiling at people, smiling for no reason, other than the fact that I’m happy. I’m me again. With a little help from my friends, both medicinal (legally) and human, I’m getting through it. Still not perfect, still not 100%, but I’m happy

And if you’re struggling I’m not gounna say ‘it gets better’ because if someone said that to me I would’ve rolled my eyes but I’ll say this: it doesn’t have to last forever. i know it feels like it will, but it won’t. there will be good days and bad days, but the bass will get less bad, and the goods even better. give it time.

Love, Hea xx

‘Look up’

In a world full of mains and privs do you ever think we forget how to live the life we were given? In a screen programmed for these programs that we cram into our minds to leave our world behind in hope that we’ll find something to fill the hole that consumes us whole and leaves no room for anything but Netflix? Ever start wondering if we’re so busy pondering our number of likes we forget how to love? Ever think our eyes are so glued to the screens it seems like you’d rather be in your phone all alone than with those who can mean something to you, outside of that screen?

Do you ever wonder if we fall into the screens, the LED lights, and we’ve fallen too far to live our lives?

We’re losing ourselves. My step brother wrote a poem and it says exactly what I want to:

Look up 

Born into the twenty-first century

known as Millennials, Generation Y,

hard-wired by screens

we are found lost.

Numbed by the phones we float,

trapped high in the cloud,

we count likes like zombies,

addicted to the dopamine

but protected by the filters

we sit alone.

Let go,

listen to the screen shatter beneath you

and look up.

Now I am such a hypocrite, as my best friend would tell you. I complain about our generation of social media zombies, all the while ‘addicted to the dopamine’. I rant about short attention spans and LED lights while I can hardly get through a film. And here’s the thing: so many people have talked to me about how they hate that they feel like they’re missing out on living because of the screen they live in, instead of the world.

But who am I to complain? Without the internet, well you wouldn’t be reading this, would you? How many of you got here via email or a link? 

I love the way the internet can connect us. It can bring us together. But in too many ways. It undeniably divides us.

So, if you ask me, there’s a balance. Between utilising the incredible opportunities that the internet and social media give us, and letting ‘the screen shatter beneath you’. Between enjoying what you can do, but not losing yourself in that world.  Between controlling your phone, instead of letting it control you.

And if you get there, or are already there, then good on you.

Some us are still stuck

Love, Hea xx