don’t just look- see

“What do you see?,” I ask him, my eyes transfixed on the swirling mass of white fluff dappling the too blue, true blue, sky,

Spiralling, it begins as a dolphin, swimming in the sea of the sky, the above above our world, and turns into

A mermaid singing songs to the sailors ships, siren-like in her appeal and song, her powers of persuasion but changes into

A bird. Right at home among his own, soaring above cities, swooping and flying and riding the breeze like a wave, and for him, just living and now becoming

A girl. A sweet little girl. A sweet kind innocent little girl, unexposed to the big bad world, so simply being, laughing, singing- simply simple, but she grows up into

A bottle. What of? If only she’d know. Something bad for your health, your liver, and even worse for your judgement, something pouring into the blue, flooding it,

And the man beside me peels his eyes from his LED lights,

Glances impassively at the sky,

Glances impassively at me and says,

‘A cloud’-

And falls back into the world of a phone,

While forgetting his own.

Love, Hea xx

I’m every part of you that you seem to have forgot

I’m the twinkle in your eye when you can’t quite sleep,

I’m the lengths that you’d go to, to make all ends meet,

I’m the croak in your voice when you hazily wake,

I’m the laughter that creeps out while reliving your mistake,

I’m the rise of the sides of your lips you can’t stop,

I’m every part of you that you seem to have forgot.

 

I’m the catch in your throat while you’re fighting back tears,

I’m the rise of your pulse when you’re facing your fears,

I’m the feeling of the hug that you desperately need,

I’m the loud, open laughter, when you’re finally freed.

I’m the moment when you’re flying, so on top,

I’m every part of you that you seem to have forgot.

 

I’m the inside joke you smile at years from now,

I’m the pride you feel as you take your final bow,

I’m the sun seeping, soaking deep into your skin,

I’m the elation running through your veins when you win,

I’m the secret parts of you that you hide, old or new,

I’m real, I matter, I feel, I’m here- I’m you.

Love Hea xxx

What mask do you wear?

Take off the mask you hide behind. That face you wear outside. Take it off and look in the mirror, do you recognise the person you are? When you’re not the person you pretend to be, you want to be, who are you? When you don’t have to be anyone for anyone else, what person would you be? Would you be the sleepless nights? Would you be the tear stained eyes? Would you be the throat tearing sobs?

Or would you be the hidden smiles? Would you be the manic moods? Would you be the laughs at stupid things you see online and are too embarrassed to share?

Would you be strong? Would you be confident? Would you be fearless? Would you be happy?

Or would you be weak? Would you be insecure? Would you be scared? Would you be sad and down?

Well who knows. The version of myself I put out, I think, is caring. It’s honest. It’s reasonably confident. It’s smart.

The reality? I’m terrified, anxious, so insecure with no clue what’s going on most of the time.

But that honest, open, real, vulnerable version of myself, well it’s not the me I want to be. It’s not who or how I hope to stay. So, when I take off my mask, am I the better version of myself because it’s honest, or the worse because I want to be better?

Look at yourself in the mirror. Look at your eyes, your hair, your skin. Do you ever think how crazy it is that that’s who we are? That the face looking back is the one others see? Do you ever wonder how you look when your head swings back in laughter, or when you smile under your hand because you shouldn’t be? Do you ever think about how you look when you look over to your best friend and know you’re thinking the same thing, or when you roll your eyes in frustration?

Because I think that’s who you are behind the mask. I think that we’re the moments that go unobserved, unnoticed at the time, but looking back they’re what you remember. I think whether you’re alone or around people, you’re always in a mask. Different masks for different days, different masks for different people.

I know I seem like an optimist, but I’m a realist. And realistically? People hiding behind masks, it isn’t going to change. It’s how it is. But I think something people struggle with is accepting that maybe, yes, you do change. I think it’s important people accept who they are.

Love, Hea xx

It’s okay

Not everyone’s going to like you. You won’t be everyone’s person. You may not have much in common, may not have the same sense of humour, may not have much to talk about.

Or, you may be too similar and clash, may be too different and have all this distance between you.

You may prefer people with stronger characters, you may prefer people with less conviction, you may prefer smarter people, or people with lower intelligence, you may just not be destined to get on.

And I think I have to remind you guys, that’s okay.

Realistically, you don’t like everyone, right? You don’t like every single person you meet, at school, at work, at home-

And I hate to break it to you, but not everyone’s going to like you either.

As my friend described it, ‘you’d have to be a bit of a nothing person for everyone to like you, but even then there’s no way that everyone would.’

And it’s true.

What I like in people are people who believe what they believe and aren’t afraid to disagree with you, people who make me laugh just by being themselves, people who build me and others up, people who know that they’re perfectly imperfect, but that that’s okay.

But someone out there might like people who don’t share their opinion or belief if it causes conflict, people who put on a face everyday, a mask they hide behind, people who are more malicious and hurtful, people who are completely blind to their own faults-

And that’s okay.

It’s okay for every single person you meet to not like you, it’s okay if you aren’t every single persons’ type of person, it’s okay to not get along with every single person,

As long as you get on with the married people, am-I-right? (Sorry, bad joke, bad time),

As long as you have people, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, family, colleagues, peers that you get on with, that you like and that like you back.

Of course, this won’t be the same for everyone reading this, but personally, I would rather have close friends who I trust and love and who trust and love me, than have everyone ‘know’ me and everyone ‘like’ me,

Because that’s just who I am,

And you know what?

That’s okay,

Love, Hea xx

I wish she was still just breathing in snow

Before reading the rest of this blog, put on A-Team by Ed Sheeran

Snow White. We all know the story of the girl with the skin as white as snow and the hair as black as night. The one with the girl who runs away to a little cabin in the woods, with those 7 odd little men. The fairytale which taught us not to be vain and to wait for true love.

The song A-Team by Ed Sheeran, I thought, as a kid, it was based on Snow White. With her ‘white lips, pale face’

And her ‘long nights, strange men’. As it’s a fairytale, I thought the angel flew and, in the winter, danced in the snow.

Little did I know she was actually a ‘call girl’ ‘breathing in snowflakes,’ ‘straight down the line’.

Little did I know she ‘sells love to another man’ and ‘goes mad for a couple grams’

How could I have known about her ‘weary eyes, dry throat’ wasn’t just from singing to the animals to much?

As a kid, all you want is to be a teenager. The dream of being at parties at 3AM, about sitting in your convertible and flooring down the pedal, you and your group of friends screaming with joy, about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend and a phone and shopping and freedom.

The reality? It’s reality. Life doesn’t suddenly become a made for TV movie because you grow up. Your hair doesn’t stop tangling, your clothes don’t stop creasing, your brain doesn’t’t stop stressing. And even when you’re younger you’re told ‘don’t grow up too fast’ and you think well I just can’t wait to grow up and be older and be taller and bigger and get to be free and teenage. You think people are just saying ‘don’t grow up to fast’ because they don’t want to see you any older, they want to keep you a kid.

But they’re saying it for you. You can never unhear or undo or unthink or unsee something. You can never go back to being five and playing ‘it’ in the playground, giggling and laughing because you dodged so well. You can never go back to playing manhunt in year 5 and climbing the trees and just being a kid.

But right now, however old you are, however young, you’re at a place where you can do something you couldn’t ten years ago and you won’t being able to in ten years. You’re at a place where you will look back on and think, ‘I miss laughing like that’ or ‘I miss spending time with them’ or ‘I wish I could still do that’ but for right now you can. You can spend time with that person, you can laugh in a way you’ll never really forget, you can nothings even you don’t realise.

I have the rest of my life to make mistakes and mess up and do things I’m not proud of. But for right now, I don’t want to take it too fast. I might sometimes, I will sometimes, but for right now- I’m going to live and accept where I am,

Instead of wishing for the future,

I’ll let the future wish for me,

Love, Hea xx

What is a best friend?

It makes no sense for there to be a ‘best friend’. There are some friends you laugh with, some you cry with, some you dream with. There are some you fight with, there are some you chat with and there are some you do it all with, and if you find that person then you are very lucky because not many of us do.

There are so many people in all of our lives. Some we’re best friends, some we’re close, some we’re friends, some we’re friendly, and some we just don’t like. And that’s okay,

But why does our friendship have to be put in a box?

I have a friend to get existential with. A friend to laugh until I cry with. A friend to cry until I laugh with. A friend to watch a movie with. A friend to gossip and bitch with. A friend to hate with. A friend to joke with. I have many who do most, if not all of these things, but here’s the thing:

No one person on this planet is perfect.

No one will never annoy you. No one will never upset you. No one will never anger you. But I think what makes a best friend is having a kind of relationship where the good overrides the bad.

The other day me and one of my best friends were discussing what we thought the others worst trait was. Hers to me was a hypocrite (yes, there is a blog coming up about that) and hers was being strongly opinionated.

But you know what else being a best friend means?

Their most annoying trait being their favourite trait of yours at the same time. My opinionated friend, one of the things that made me love her in the first place was the way she was so passionate and fierce in her beliefs. I have one friend who would do anything for anyone, and while that’s her best trait, at the same time there can be negative impacts on herself so it can be the worst. I have a friend who believes so strongly in her sense of wrong and right. And while fighting against her might be a nightmare, at the same time just to know her is so be drawn in be her passion and love for her friends, loyalty being on her lists of rights.

So, do I have a best friend?

No I don’t. I have a few best friends who I love with my whole heart but, no I don’t have one definite best friend,

And I’m not even sorry.

The fact is I love all my friends for the different things they bring to my life, and who am I to decide who’s my favourite?

Love, Hea xx

Soulmate?

Everyone seems to live these dream lives. Constantly stunning, smiling, with people, laughing, in the most exotic and beautiful places… according to their social media at least. But the moments we remember of the lives we’ve lead, aren’t always the ones documented and captured in time. They’re a laugh, however ‘ugly’ or ‘unattractive’ loud and harsh and real, so real you can’t breathe and are slapping the table opposite your best friend. They’re the tears you cry, and are wiped away from someone who really cares. They’re looks you and your soulmate share and you both know exactly what it means.

This isn’t a sappy teenage love story. This is about me and one of my best friends.

I have a strong belief that everyone deserves to be happy and everyone can find it. Whether it’s acting or singing or sports or writing or reading or music or anything else that brings you that, then do it. But for lots of us, spending time with friends is on that list. And I count myself so incredibly lucky for the people I have in my life, I have some of the most kind and loving and supportive friends out of everyone I’ve ever met and, they know how much they mean to me and who they are, I can never thank them enough for that.

Does anyone else have that friend who’s more of a soulmate? That friend you can cry laugh with, cackle and hurt your cheeks with laughter, and you’re not even sure what you’re laughing about. Where you can say or do anything in the world, and it won’t be judged or change how they see you, they’ll just laugh and laugh? Where they can hear the things you’re not saying just as much as the ones you are?

Because I do.

We actually hated each other with a passion for months before we were friends. Then we were forced to share a room and all I can do is thank god that we were. It led me to meet one of the funniest, realist, fiercest, smartest and kindest friends I’ve ever known.

And it’s been three years. Only three years. But it feels like a forever. It’s not that I just love her. it’s not that she’s incredible. It’s not that I don’t have other best friends, which I do and I know I’ll have texts from people asking why I didn’t do one about them, but here’s the thing.

I don’t know what the future of this blog is. What I hope to get from it, where I want it to go, hell I don’t even know what I’m going to type for the next sentence. So maybe I’ll do a blog like this for all my friends.

But this is the first.

So to you, the girl who help my hand while I was drowning, to you the friend who loved me when I didn’t love myself, to you the person who has undeniably changed my life: thank you. For all you’ve done, all you do and all you are. Thank you. You found the light in me when I could only see the dark. You helped me feel when I wanted everything to stop. You supported and loved me in ways I don’t even think you realised. Thank you.

I love you.