Never be anything other than who you want to be

Who are you to judge how much of someone’s body that they decide to show? Who are you to decide whether that person is then a ‘slut’? 

I know so many people who look amazing and beautiful in their photos but are too scared to post them because they’re worried that people will judge them.

For an all inclusive society, we’re sure doing a lot of judging.

People can post what they like, as they like. It does not then make them promiscuous or inappropriate. Yes, I get it when a photo is indecent exposure. Yes, I get it when that someone who is very young is posing in an inappropriate manner, the parents have the right to ask them to take it down.

But I think, after the amount of terrifying prep school movies we were made to watch about cyberstalkers, we get how to private our accounts and we understand that what is put on the internet stays there,

So who are you to judge?

My friend and I were talking about it, and she said, ‘if a guy posts a topless pic, no one cares. The second a girl does it it’s all this drama’ and she is so right. This isn’t a rant about feminism, no that’s coming later. The point is,

People should be allowed to post what they’d like without the worry of being judged.

People should be allowed to dress as they’d like without assumptions.

People should be allowed to be who they are on their own social media page.

the photo attached, well can you really disagree? People shouldn’t be judged or have assumptions made on how they dress. Or what they post of how they dress. People shouldn’t be afraid of being exactly who they want to be. I know there have been countless occasions where I’ve got a friend asking whether they should post a photo because they’re scared of being judged or people thinking that they’re a slut. In fact, just tonight (the night I’m writing this, not the night I’m posting it) I had a panicked text from one of the least ‘slutty’ people I know, word for word, saying ‘do I need to delete my last pic on insta because there were some people like ‘wow’ and judging me, should I delete it? xxx’

To finish today’s blog I’ll write my exact reply, ‘no, no, no. you look so good and if you like the photo there is no reason to take it down. People are always going to judge, but you need to remember that no matter what anyone else may say, you need to do what you want to’

Love, Hea xx

don’t just look- see

“What do you see?,” I ask him, my eyes transfixed on the swirling mass of white fluff dappling the too blue, true blue, sky,

Spiralling, it begins as a dolphin, swimming in the sea of the sky, the above above our world, and turns into

A mermaid singing songs to the sailors ships, siren-like in her appeal and song, her powers of persuasion but changes into

A bird. Right at home among his own, soaring above cities, swooping and flying and riding the breeze like a wave, and for him, just living and now becoming

A girl. A sweet little girl. A sweet kind innocent little girl, unexposed to the big bad world, so simply being, laughing, singing- simply simple, but she grows up into

A bottle. What of? If only she’d know. Something bad for your health, your liver, and even worse for your judgement, something pouring into the blue, flooding it,

And the man beside me peels his eyes from his LED lights,

Glances impassively at the sky,

Glances impassively at me and says,

‘A cloud’-

And falls back into the world of a phone,

While forgetting his own.

Love, Hea xx

What is a best friend?

It makes no sense for there to be a ‘best friend’. There are some friends you laugh with, some you cry with, some you dream with. There are some you fight with, there are some you chat with and there are some you do it all with, and if you find that person then you are very lucky because not many of us do.

There are so many people in all of our lives. Some we’re best friends, some we’re close, some we’re friends, some we’re friendly, and some we just don’t like. And that’s okay,

But why does our friendship have to be put in a box?

I have a friend to get existential with. A friend to laugh until I cry with. A friend to cry until I laugh with. A friend to watch a movie with. A friend to gossip and bitch with. A friend to hate with. A friend to joke with. I have many who do most, if not all of these things, but here’s the thing:

No one person on this planet is perfect.

No one will never annoy you. No one will never upset you. No one will never anger you. But I think what makes a best friend is having a kind of relationship where the good overrides the bad.

The other day me and one of my best friends were discussing what we thought the others worst trait was. Hers to me was a hypocrite (yes, there is a blog coming up about that) and hers was being strongly opinionated.

But you know what else being a best friend means?

Their most annoying trait being their favourite trait of yours at the same time. My opinionated friend, one of the things that made me love her in the first place was the way she was so passionate and fierce in her beliefs. I have one friend who would do anything for anyone, and while that’s her best trait, at the same time there can be negative impacts on herself so it can be the worst. I have a friend who believes so strongly in her sense of wrong and right. And while fighting against her might be a nightmare, at the same time just to know her is so be drawn in be her passion and love for her friends, loyalty being on her lists of rights.

So, do I have a best friend?

No I don’t. I have a few best friends who I love with my whole heart but, no I don’t have one definite best friend,

And I’m not even sorry.

The fact is I love all my friends for the different things they bring to my life, and who am I to decide who’s my favourite?

Love, Hea xx

Loss

This blog is actually one that was requested by a friend, and to that person just know I’m sending all my love today. This blog is about loss. 

Now, I personally don’t have a considerable amount of first hand experience with loss, but I know people who have. We all do.

I’m not going to sugar coat it like I’ve seen too many people do, losing someone close to you, regardless of how they’re close, is so heartbreaking. It is upsetting, it’s awful for the people left behind and it’s so genuinely hard to live your life without them. Even in the small things, what they’d look like now, who they would be, whether they’d come to this event or that one.

It’s so horrible knowing that there’s nothing you can do to change the fact that they’re gone. 

But the thing is, you can change how you are with the people you still have.

Now I’m not saying for a moment that this will make up for them not being there. I’m not saying that it’s easy or that it doesn’t hurt. I would never assume to know how you’re feeling, not for a second would I pretend that anything’s made any easier by ‘looking on the bright side’. And sometimes, just being positive is that hardest thing in the world.

But I think that there’s a balance. A balance between missing the person you’ve lost, and loving the people you have.

As awful as losing someone really is, it makes people stronger. It helps them find strength in them that they had no clue they had. It can make people more appreciative, more brave and more than anything else: often the people who have hurt the most, smile the brightest because they know that as horrible as the lows are, you can always appreciate the highs.

So if you’ve lost someone close to you, I am really and truly sorry. I will never know how you feel, never be able to feel exactly what you do,

But there are three things to know.

Firstly, there are people still here, whether you need to talk or to cry or to sit in silence, there are people here.

Secondly, you may never get the person back, but you are strong enough to keep going,

And lastly, as long as you remember them, they’re never truly gone.

Love, Hea xx

Mental health isn’t a punchline

List of things which is off limits to say (in regards to mental health)

  • You look so depressed
  • I swear this is giving me anxiety
  • Lol, I guess she’s bipolar aha
  • God, someone has anorexia, look at her legs
  • I feel like eating disorders may be a good thing for some people…
  • If he killed himself, like, I’d throw a party
  • She just self harms for attention
  • I’d get you mental help, but you’re too far gone to be fixed
  • I don’t get why she can’t just be happy
  • Just relax for once! And don’t blame this on your anxiety like you always do

Do I look like I have serious mental illness? Oh, is this situation giving you a mental disorder? She has mood swings and that makes her a manic depressive? You can tell a psychological disorder by the size of her thighs? Someone’s too overweight in your mind so they should develop a potentially life threatening complex? If someone were to end their life, it would make you happy? So she hides her scars, lies when asked and brings physical pain to her body, for other people right? You’re trying to give someone more self doubt and hatred and turn them away from the idea of reaching out? Want her to just be happy, try chemically lacking the hormones which make people happy? And you think he’s blaming things on his anxiety? Try living a day in his life.

Mental health is not a punchline. These are things i’ve genuinely heard people say. People take so much for granted. The average person laughs 15 times a day. Someone with serious depressive episodes? 0. Can you imagine a day with no genuine laughter, smiles or happiness. And can you imagine it for an extended amount of time, like years?

No? Then don’t throw around the word ‘depressed’ or ‘depression’.

The fact is: mental health is serious. So take it seriously.

Sorry that this one is so heavy but I’ve been meaning to do this for a while  

Love, Hea xx

Family- the people you love

You were born. That means you have a mother and a father. That means they have a mother or a father. Generations of your family must have had to be born just for you to be here.

And whether your parents are still in your life, whether or not you have a good relationship with them, whether you have siblings, whether you have grandparents,

If you have people in your life that you love, then you have a family.

I asked a small number of friends whether they are closer with their siblings or their parents, and 64% said siblings. The fact is, we’re all so lucky to have some kind of family, whether parents or siblings, in our lives. In fact, I don’t think i’ve ever met someone in this country (or my part of it) with no family or extended family in their life.

You know why I brought this up?

I went to South Africa last summer to help out at a school that my old school sponsored. Out of my favourite class of kids, only one person who had both of their parents. When we went into the boarding houses, about 7 or eight people per room, rooms the size of about half a classroom here, not one of the people boarding there had any parents. And these kids smiled brighter than I’ve seen people here do. They laughed louder, loved harder and do you know why?

They realised that you can decide who your family is as much as your genetics can.

Some of the friendships I saw, they choke me up even now. The way they had each others backs, the way they moved as one person, just the love they had,

They were more like sisters than I’ve ever seen. 

So do you know this Tuesday’s homework? Send a message, email, text or letter to someone you call family. Whether it be blood or not. 

So this blog is my letter. To my friends, M, A, H, J, S, C, E and D, my mum and dad, my step mum and siblings, to my aunt, uncles and cousins, to my gran and her boyfriend, to all the people who I love and can call my family,

Thank you for being in my life,

Love, Hea xx

Instagram? Insta-sham

These people that you idolise, these models that you admire, these bodies that you envy:

They’re lying.

Photoshop and photo angles are beautiful things, things used to make us look better. Just editing out a spot, to making your waist a little smaller, what’s the harm? Making your friend crouch on the ground to get the perfect angle. And the thing is, there’s nothing wrong with it. Of course there isn’t. It’s natural to want to impress people, to put out the best version of yourself to the world. It’s natural to feel the need to look and be beautiful. Or whatever you count as beautiful. But here’s the thing,

If you use filters and photoshop and angles, do you really think that the models don’t?

The people we see on instagram, the lives we’re lead to believe they live, the version of reality they choose to share,

Well it’s exactly that, isn’t it? What they choose to share. 

When I post a photo, I’m not going to post me lying in bed on Netflix with a bowl of cereal. I’m not going to post me when I’m singing chandelier or high school musical at the top of my lungs surrounded with friends. I’m not going to post the times when I’m crying,

I’m going to post my face with make up, wearing clothes I like, hair nicely washed. I’m going to post something I feel comfortable in, something where I like the way that I look.

So why in heavens name wouldn’t models do the same? 

Some of these people, their very livelihood relies on their following. Their wealth, their self esteem, their happiness depends on likes per posts. Even people who aren’t models, plenty of people base their confidence, their popularity and again, their happiness on their response from social media.

i’m going to be really honest here, yes: I do feel better about myself when I get more likes. Yes, I do feel more confident when I get load of comments. But you know where I cross the line? 

Letting the lack of these things effect me.

People share the parts of their lives that they want you to see. A touch up here, some blemish control there, just little things, tiny things for their lives to seem even better,

But remember this:

If you search for validation and happiness on your social media feed, then you’ll never stop looking,

Love, Hea xx