don’t just look- see

“What do you see?,” I ask him, my eyes transfixed on the swirling mass of white fluff dappling the too blue, true blue, sky,

Spiralling, it begins as a dolphin, swimming in the sea of the sky, the above above our world, and turns into

A mermaid singing songs to the sailors ships, siren-like in her appeal and song, her powers of persuasion but changes into

A bird. Right at home among his own, soaring above cities, swooping and flying and riding the breeze like a wave, and for him, just living and now becoming

A girl. A sweet little girl. A sweet kind innocent little girl, unexposed to the big bad world, so simply being, laughing, singing- simply simple, but she grows up into

A bottle. What of? If only she’d know. Something bad for your health, your liver, and even worse for your judgement, something pouring into the blue, flooding it,

And the man beside me peels his eyes from his LED lights,

Glances impassively at the sky,

Glances impassively at me and says,

‘A cloud’-

And falls back into the world of a phone,

While forgetting his own.

Love, Hea xx

I wish she was still just breathing in snow

Before reading the rest of this blog, put on A-Team by Ed Sheeran

Snow White. We all know the story of the girl with the skin as white as snow and the hair as black as night. The one with the girl who runs away to a little cabin in the woods, with those 7 odd little men. The fairytale which taught us not to be vain and to wait for true love.

The song A-Team by Ed Sheeran, I thought, as a kid, it was based on Snow White. With her ‘white lips, pale face’

And her ‘long nights, strange men’. As it’s a fairytale, I thought the angel flew and, in the winter, danced in the snow.

Little did I know she was actually a ‘call girl’ ‘breathing in snowflakes,’ ‘straight down the line’.

Little did I know she ‘sells love to another man’ and ‘goes mad for a couple grams’

How could I have known about her ‘weary eyes, dry throat’ wasn’t just from singing to the animals to much?

As a kid, all you want is to be a teenager. The dream of being at parties at 3AM, about sitting in your convertible and flooring down the pedal, you and your group of friends screaming with joy, about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend and a phone and shopping and freedom.

The reality? It’s reality. Life doesn’t suddenly become a made for TV movie because you grow up. Your hair doesn’t stop tangling, your clothes don’t stop creasing, your brain doesn’t’t stop stressing. And even when you’re younger you’re told ‘don’t grow up too fast’ and you think well I just can’t wait to grow up and be older and be taller and bigger and get to be free and teenage. You think people are just saying ‘don’t grow up to fast’ because they don’t want to see you any older, they want to keep you a kid.

But they’re saying it for you. You can never unhear or undo or unthink or unsee something. You can never go back to being five and playing ‘it’ in the playground, giggling and laughing because you dodged so well. You can never go back to playing manhunt in year 5 and climbing the trees and just being a kid.

But right now, however old you are, however young, you’re at a place where you can do something you couldn’t ten years ago and you won’t being able to in ten years. You’re at a place where you will look back on and think, ‘I miss laughing like that’ or ‘I miss spending time with them’ or ‘I wish I could still do that’ but for right now you can. You can spend time with that person, you can laugh in a way you’ll never really forget, you can nothings even you don’t realise.

I have the rest of my life to make mistakes and mess up and do things I’m not proud of. But for right now, I don’t want to take it too fast. I might sometimes, I will sometimes, but for right now- I’m going to live and accept where I am,

Instead of wishing for the future,

I’ll let the future wish for me,

Love, Hea xx

My experience with depression

Guys, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. My heart is pounding and my head is spinning and I’m not just scared, I’m terrified.

This blog as a whole is about topical issues and our society and are always very positive and optimistic, but as a rule quite impersonal.

But this post is about my experience with depression.

I’m being open and honest and I’m genuinely shaking but this is a blog I’ve been meaning to do since starting Hea.

One piece of feedback I regularly get back is that my blog is no bull and no sugar coating so this won’t be any different. I am not posting this for attention or pity or anything in-between: this is close to me and people I know, so needs to be said.

I had depression. Severe atypical depression for two to three months. Not too long a time in the grand scheme of things,

But it felt like a lifetime.

It was like being surrounded with smoke. You can’t see clearly and that makes it harder to think clearly and that makes it more tiring to get through a day and then you’re using all your energy just trying to breathe. I always described it as a ‘grey haze’ because the world was so drained and lifeless and colourless and exhausting and it was like the air was too heavy, too thick, for me, thicker than it seemed to be for anyone else. And I had to keep going. I went to lessons, tried to concentrate, tried to concentrate on concentrating, all the while trying to be normal and act like everything was fine.

But it wasn’t.

I know, I was fine some of the time. Not just fine, good. That’s why it’s atypical. And I know two to three months is not a long time in comparison to others who have had it. For some people it can last literally years and for some people it’s genetic and clinical and never goes away and for some people it’s annual at winter with SAD. And my god am I sorry to anyone who has that, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that is.

Because my lord is it hard. Hard to try and care, hard to feel like you’re letting everyone down while not having the energy to do anything about it, hard to keep going when everything in you screams ‘stop!’

And I don’t want people going on about how strong and brave I am because I did what I had to do to get through it. Hearing ‘why do you look so depressed?’ almost daily didn’t help, nor did people miming shooting themselves or hanging themselves,

But I did what I had to.

And I’m better. That’s why I’m writing this today. I was walking through the village and as I walked down the street I was just smiling at people, smiling for no reason, other than the fact that I’m happy. I’m me again. With a little help from my friends, both medicinal (legally) and human, I’m getting through it. Still not perfect, still not 100%, but I’m happy

And if you’re struggling I’m not gounna say ‘it gets better’ because if someone said that to me I would’ve rolled my eyes but I’ll say this: it doesn’t have to last forever. i know it feels like it will, but it won’t. there will be good days and bad days, but the bass will get less bad, and the goods even better. give it time.

Love, Hea xx

don’t just exist in your life, live it

What’s the word? The word for when your heart fills and your mind buzzes and you just cannot get rid of that grin on your face? When you hear the thing you’ve been wanting to, waiting to, for too long? ‘You did it’, ‘It’s a boy’ or ‘I love you’. It can be as short as three words, or one, ‘yes’. As long as your language would allow a sentence to be. It could just be the right look at the right time from the right person and you just feel it. How can you put that feeling into words? That smile hidden, the smirk, because you just can’t stop yourself? That feeling of electricity coursing through your veins? That heart race and complete contentment, undeniable and unstoppable? You know what I’m talking about, right? You wanna know what I call it? What word encompasses all those strong feelings, that undeniable joy?

A purpose.

For those sunny days where the heat seeps through your skin, for those rainy days where you and your friend can’t breathe through the laughter, for those moments with that person you love where you just never want them to end. For the tears you cried and someone wiped away, for those lonely nights made better by the only person who could, for those secret jokes and moments, memories in your mind which mean more to you than any money or gift ever could. You want to know what I call it?

A reason.

What’s the word? The word which encompasses all of the laughs, each tear, every secret, every secret smile and hidden scar. What’s the word which describes every feeling and emotion you’ve ever felt.

Oh yeah, it’s called living.

And just you, still being here reading this, just your eyes scanning over my words, just the breath you just let out and the one you’re about to take in,

Well it proves you’re doing a damn good job.

Love, hea xx

Loss

This blog is actually one that was requested by a friend, and to that person just know I’m sending all my love today. This blog is about loss. 

Now, I personally don’t have a considerable amount of first hand experience with loss, but I know people who have. We all do.

I’m not going to sugar coat it like I’ve seen too many people do, losing someone close to you, regardless of how they’re close, is so heartbreaking. It is upsetting, it’s awful for the people left behind and it’s so genuinely hard to live your life without them. Even in the small things, what they’d look like now, who they would be, whether they’d come to this event or that one.

It’s so horrible knowing that there’s nothing you can do to change the fact that they’re gone. 

But the thing is, you can change how you are with the people you still have.

Now I’m not saying for a moment that this will make up for them not being there. I’m not saying that it’s easy or that it doesn’t hurt. I would never assume to know how you’re feeling, not for a second would I pretend that anything’s made any easier by ‘looking on the bright side’. And sometimes, just being positive is that hardest thing in the world.

But I think that there’s a balance. A balance between missing the person you’ve lost, and loving the people you have.

As awful as losing someone really is, it makes people stronger. It helps them find strength in them that they had no clue they had. It can make people more appreciative, more brave and more than anything else: often the people who have hurt the most, smile the brightest because they know that as horrible as the lows are, you can always appreciate the highs.

So if you’ve lost someone close to you, I am really and truly sorry. I will never know how you feel, never be able to feel exactly what you do,

But there are three things to know.

Firstly, there are people still here, whether you need to talk or to cry or to sit in silence, there are people here.

Secondly, you may never get the person back, but you are strong enough to keep going,

And lastly, as long as you remember them, they’re never truly gone.

Love, Hea xx