don’t just look- see

“What do you see?,” I ask him, my eyes transfixed on the swirling mass of white fluff dappling the too blue, true blue, sky,

Spiralling, it begins as a dolphin, swimming in the sea of the sky, the above above our world, and turns into

A mermaid singing songs to the sailors ships, siren-like in her appeal and song, her powers of persuasion but changes into

A bird. Right at home among his own, soaring above cities, swooping and flying and riding the breeze like a wave, and for him, just living and now becoming

A girl. A sweet little girl. A sweet kind innocent little girl, unexposed to the big bad world, so simply being, laughing, singing- simply simple, but she grows up into

A bottle. What of? If only she’d know. Something bad for your health, your liver, and even worse for your judgement, something pouring into the blue, flooding it,

And the man beside me peels his eyes from his LED lights,

Glances impassively at the sky,

Glances impassively at me and says,

‘A cloud’-

And falls back into the world of a phone,

While forgetting his own.

Love, Hea xx

My experience with depression

Guys, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. My heart is pounding and my head is spinning and I’m not just scared, I’m terrified.

This blog as a whole is about topical issues and our society and are always very positive and optimistic, but as a rule quite impersonal.

But this post is about my experience with depression.

I’m being open and honest and I’m genuinely shaking but this is a blog I’ve been meaning to do since starting Hea.

One piece of feedback I regularly get back is that my blog is no bull and no sugar coating so this won’t be any different. I am not posting this for attention or pity or anything in-between: this is close to me and people I know, so needs to be said.

I had depression. Severe atypical depression for two to three months. Not too long a time in the grand scheme of things,

But it felt like a lifetime.

It was like being surrounded with smoke. You can’t see clearly and that makes it harder to think clearly and that makes it more tiring to get through a day and then you’re using all your energy just trying to breathe. I always described it as a ‘grey haze’ because the world was so drained and lifeless and colourless and exhausting and it was like the air was too heavy, too thick, for me, thicker than it seemed to be for anyone else. And I had to keep going. I went to lessons, tried to concentrate, tried to concentrate on concentrating, all the while trying to be normal and act like everything was fine.

But it wasn’t.

I know, I was fine some of the time. Not just fine, good. That’s why it’s atypical. And I know two to three months is not a long time in comparison to others who have had it. For some people it can last literally years and for some people it’s genetic and clinical and never goes away and for some people it’s annual at winter with SAD. And my god am I sorry to anyone who has that, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that is.

Because my lord is it hard. Hard to try and care, hard to feel like you’re letting everyone down while not having the energy to do anything about it, hard to keep going when everything in you screams ‘stop!’

And I don’t want people going on about how strong and brave I am because I did what I had to do to get through it. Hearing ‘why do you look so depressed?’ almost daily didn’t help, nor did people miming shooting themselves or hanging themselves,

But I did what I had to.

And I’m better. That’s why I’m writing this today. I was walking through the village and as I walked down the street I was just smiling at people, smiling for no reason, other than the fact that I’m happy. I’m me again. With a little help from my friends, both medicinal (legally) and human, I’m getting through it. Still not perfect, still not 100%, but I’m happy

And if you’re struggling I’m not gounna say ‘it gets better’ because if someone said that to me I would’ve rolled my eyes but I’ll say this: it doesn’t have to last forever. i know it feels like it will, but it won’t. there will be good days and bad days, but the bass will get less bad, and the goods even better. give it time.

Love, Hea xx

don’t just exist in your life, live it

What’s the word? The word for when your heart fills and your mind buzzes and you just cannot get rid of that grin on your face? When you hear the thing you’ve been wanting to, waiting to, for too long? ‘You did it’, ‘It’s a boy’ or ‘I love you’. It can be as short as three words, or one, ‘yes’. As long as your language would allow a sentence to be. It could just be the right look at the right time from the right person and you just feel it. How can you put that feeling into words? That smile hidden, the smirk, because you just can’t stop yourself? That feeling of electricity coursing through your veins? That heart race and complete contentment, undeniable and unstoppable? You know what I’m talking about, right? You wanna know what I call it? What word encompasses all those strong feelings, that undeniable joy?

A purpose.

For those sunny days where the heat seeps through your skin, for those rainy days where you and your friend can’t breathe through the laughter, for those moments with that person you love where you just never want them to end. For the tears you cried and someone wiped away, for those lonely nights made better by the only person who could, for those secret jokes and moments, memories in your mind which mean more to you than any money or gift ever could. You want to know what I call it?

A reason.

What’s the word? The word which encompasses all of the laughs, each tear, every secret, every secret smile and hidden scar. What’s the word which describes every feeling and emotion you’ve ever felt.

Oh yeah, it’s called living.

And just you, still being here reading this, just your eyes scanning over my words, just the breath you just let out and the one you’re about to take in,

Well it proves you’re doing a damn good job.

Love, hea xx

It’s okay to not be okay…

From what you’ve seen so far, from the parts of me I’ve chosen to share, I seem so positive and like I’m someone who always looks on the bright side and someone who is happy, with my life and myself and about where I am at the moment.

But as a good friend pointed out to me, if I want to be authentic on this blog then I need to let you see all sides of me, the happy the positive and maybe even the dark. So, I’m writing this in a not good mood, a low mood and there’s a good chance I won’t even publish it so if this ends up on the blog, then know that this took all the courage I had in me.

My old science teacher told us a story. One time a boy was running around and he fell and grazed his knee and the boy didn’t want to hear ‘I know it hurts’ he wanted to hear ‘it won’t hurt for long’. And here’s the thing: when you’re young and just starting to get to know the world, it’s a different place. Everything’s so big and so uncertain but you know what you feel without a doubt and see no issues and have no hesitation to say exactly how you feel. But people’s judgement and ridicule changes us as we grow up to the point where too many people are scared to admit they’re not okay or too scared to say how they’re feeling.

So, that little fallen over boy knew he’d hurt himself, he didn’t need to be told anything other than, ‘it won’t hurt for long’. But I think that as we grow up, another part has to be added on. I think it shouldn’t just be ‘you’ll be okay’ I think it should also be, ‘I know you’re not okay right now’.

So as I’m writing this, I’m not okay. God, this is hard to write. As I’m writing this, there are thousands of thoughts raging and screaming in my mind, there’s no energy in me, there are hundreds of things I want to do but don’t have the will to. There are all these things on my mind, things I should be doing, people I should be talking to, work I should get done, effort I should put in, but I just can’t. Does anyone else have those bad days that just seem to never end? It’s harder than people think to remind yourself that a day is just 24 hours when an hour feels like 24 days.

Just to say, this isn’t a blog so that people will feel sorry for me or so that I’ll have messages saying ‘are you okay?’ It’s just, for this website to be me, for this to be honest and for this to be real I can’t hide the parts of myself that aren’t pretty, I can’t pretend to be anything other that who I am, and shying away from talking about it doesn’t seem very honest. And there are some days where I wake up myself, not only happy but really and truly me. But there are others where I wake already dreading the day ahead and that’s just where I am right now. But I’m getting better.

It terrifying telling someone how you really feel. Opening up to them and letting them see the most vulnerable and most hurt or hurting parts of yourself. To let someone see you, the real you, uncensored. It’s terrifying. And there are plenty of moods or times when you don’t feel in a position to share, and that’s okay. But, as hard as it is, try to remember: you have people in your life that love you, people that care.

 

So this is the me that’s hard to share and even harder to talk about, but it’s real and I can only hope for one person to read this and relate even the smallest bit. And I want you to know: it’s okay to talk about it. But above all:

It’s okay to not be okay.