It’s okay to not be okay…

From what you’ve seen so far, from the parts of me I’ve chosen to share, I seem so positive and like I’m someone who always looks on the bright side and someone who is happy, with my life and myself and about where I am at the moment.

But as a good friend pointed out to me, if I want to be authentic on this blog then I need to let you see all sides of me, the happy the positive and maybe even the dark. So, I’m writing this in a not good mood, a low mood and there’s a good chance I won’t even publish it so if this ends up on the blog, then know that this took all the courage I had in me.

My old science teacher told us a story. One time a boy was running around and he fell and grazed his knee and the boy didn’t want to hear ‘I know it hurts’ he wanted to hear ‘it won’t hurt for long’. And here’s the thing: when you’re young and just starting to get to know the world, it’s a different place. Everything’s so big and so uncertain but you know what you feel without a doubt and see no issues and have no hesitation to say exactly how you feel. But people’s judgement and ridicule changes us as we grow up to the point where too many people are scared to admit they’re not okay or too scared to say how they’re feeling.

So, that little fallen over boy knew he’d hurt himself, he didn’t need to be told anything other than, ‘it won’t hurt for long’. But I think that as we grow up, another part has to be added on. I think it shouldn’t just be ‘you’ll be okay’ I think it should also be, ‘I know you’re not okay right now’.

So as I’m writing this, I’m not okay. God, this is hard to write. As I’m writing this, there are thousands of thoughts raging and screaming in my mind, there’s no energy in me, there are hundreds of things I want to do but don’t have the will to. There are all these things on my mind, things I should be doing, people I should be talking to, work I should get done, effort I should put in, but I just can’t. Does anyone else have those bad days that just seem to never end? It’s harder than people think to remind yourself that a day is just 24 hours when an hour feels like 24 days.

Just to say, this isn’t a blog so that people will feel sorry for me or so that I’ll have messages saying ‘are you okay?’ It’s just, for this website to be me, for this to be honest and for this to be real I can’t hide the parts of myself that aren’t pretty, I can’t pretend to be anything other that who I am, and shying away from talking about it doesn’t seem very honest. And there are some days where I wake up myself, not only happy but really and truly me. But there are others where I wake already dreading the day ahead and that’s just where I am right now. But I’m getting better.

It terrifying telling someone how you really feel. Opening up to them and letting them see the most vulnerable and most hurt or hurting parts of yourself. To let someone see you, the real you, uncensored. It’s terrifying. And there are plenty of moods or times when you don’t feel in a position to share, and that’s okay. But, as hard as it is, try to remember: you have people in your life that love you, people that care.

 

So this is the me that’s hard to share and even harder to talk about, but it’s real and I can only hope for one person to read this and relate even the smallest bit. And I want you to know: it’s okay to talk about it. But above all:

It’s okay to not be okay.

Hoping ever after?

This blog won’t be daily but I want to do two days in a row to explain something: my name. Hoping ever after aka Hea.

In all of the fairy tails that we were raised to read, in all the bedtime stories that we were read, they end with a ‘happily ever after’. A lovely and humble princess ruling over a beautiful kingdom, a family reunited and above all: a world at peace. a just and fair society. Do you know why people believe in fairy tails? Because it’s the only magic they’ll ever have in their life, the only time it’s okay to believe in the impossible, a time it’s possible to see something more than ourselves.

In the world we live in, in the time we live in, plenty of things are wrong and plenty of things are right. In our part of the world, people are treated mainly equally, there’s more awareness and acceptance of people’s beliefs or mental health issues; as a whole we are an inclusive society.

But what about the rest of the world? Places where woman are treated as inferior, places where slavery is still legal, places where you could not only be judged for your beliefs, but shunned and even imprisoned? There are even injustices and bias in our society. But how is this wrong going to be righted?

As many people who have heard me rant before know, and as many people reading this will soon find out, I believe that the small things have the biggest impact. Before the big issues can be battled, before there can be any big change, we have to build a foundation, a base for those issues to build on. And by the small things I believe we can get there.

What if happily ever after wasn’t just for fairy tails? What if that just and fair society is one day for real life? Maybe it’s a bit ambitious: but I can hope.

Hope is the one thing that keeps people going. Hope for a future, hope for happiness; hope for a tomorrow. And my hope is for our world to have its happily ever after. So, here I am, hoping ever after,

Love, Hea xx

What is this blog?

as a first blog i’m sure i should make this about me. tell anyone who happened to stumble on this about who i am. but who am i without the people i love? who are any of us without the people who have shaped us and changed us? so i’ll tell you a short version of my life so far, but not about me. i was born 14 years ago from a mother who has done nothing but tried to do the best for me and a father who has worked so hard for me to be here today. i met my incredibly dopey but obscenely kind and funny brother and my ridiculously smart and strong sister. sadly my amazing parents did break up, but from it i got a kind hearted and passionate step mother and two incredible step brothers who i love with my whole heart. things have gone wrong and things have gone right and down the road i’ve met so many people who have changed me and i don’t care whether they changed me for better or for worse: the fact is i’m different. and i’m at a point where i’m trying my hardest to be thankful for the people who have hurt me because they made me who i am today. and here’s the thing with that mindset: it’s hard. it’s hard to feel thankful for the things that hurt you. it’s hard to look on the bright side. it’s so incredibly hard to see the positive when it feels like you’re drowning in negative: but sometimes you just need to try.

of the people i’ve met, there are some who have been such blessings in my life. supported and loved me, cared and stood by me and above all: they have loved me and shown that they loved me. i’ve made plenty of mistakes but the people who love me see past that and i can never thank them enough for that.

what is this blog? well it’s me. it’s me being open and honest and venerable in a way that terrifies me. it’s me letting the world in, me reaching out to the world. i just hope the world reaches back.