We judge people for judging people because judging people is wrong

Realistically everyone judges everyone. The dictionary definition of the verb ‘judge’ is, ‘form an opinion or conclusion about.’ People will take one look at a person and decide what they think. If you were to say that to almost anyone in real life, they would profusely deny it, but if someone walked past you and had loads of piercings heavy eye make up and was dressed in all black and chains, you’re saying you wouldn’t decide what category you would put them into? And if someone walked past you in a short skirt, a push up bra, tight top and over done make up with their blown out hair, you’re saying your brain wouldn’t find a conclusion?

I’m going to admit something that not many people would:

I have a tendency to judge people on the limited information I have on them.

And I know that’s not right. I know it’s not what I should be doing and I know that there are 101 quotes about how ‘you can’t judge people unless you’re perfect’ and ‘if you judge me then that says more about you than it does about me’ but, listen.

Why does judging have to be negative?

When you meet someone and they’re lovely, really kind and sweet and caring: you judge them. You ‘form an opinion or conclusion about’ them. You think: that person is a nice person.

So why does judging have to be negative?

Those girls you walk past and you try to categorise, maybe instead think, ‘she looks like a badass’ or ‘she has such a good figure’. Factually, realistically: you judge people. Whether you share your judgements or you keep it in your mind, you judge people. Whether positively or negatively: you judge people.

So just work on your outlook on that judgement. Whether you decide what you think and refuse to change it, whether you take people on their looks, whether you get to know the real them. Judging people isn’t going to change, but maybe we can.

I asked a small group of people whether they think that they judge people. 64% said yes. The other 36%? They’re lying. Before I get hate messages and people being annoyed at me, every single person on this planet has formed an opinion or judgement on a person. You have. I have. We all have.

So just make that judgement count.

See what you have

So, this is a little different. in English today we’re reading poems by children in Syria, and  they are heart breaking. These people without mums or dads or food and yet through it all they do the most simple, yet beautiful thing

They live.

so we were told to write our poems in response, and this is what I wrote.

Open your eyes, look around,

See the world in which you live

So many people who love you

So much love for you to give

So much opportunity and chance

Which others can only hope for

And yet can you go a day without complaining

About all the things you long for?

See the wealth of love and life

See the health which you have

See the laughs which surrounds you

See the the life that you have had

Will it ever be enough?

Will you ever find that bliss?

Will you ever wake up and see

That your bliss is simply this,

Live which you lead,

This dream that you live?

Instead of through the rubble

Constantly sieve-

Ing because you need to find fault

You need to complain

But answer me this,

What does your negativity gain?

People will always complain. It’s okay to. But it’s good for us so every once in a while, breathe in and look around. See all that we actually have,

and that might just make the world a bit of a better place.

So, a little shoutout to the people that support me and my writing. My family, mum and dad, my friends, my English teacher, my aunt: so many people who read what I write and it means so much to me,

thank you for all that you all do,

love, Hea xx

summer

So, I’m writing this on a spur of the moment. I had this post planned and it would be about school and summer and what it means to me. It was going to be very idealistic, very detailed and specific: but it would’ve all been hypothetical. So, instead, this one that I’m writing now, this one that you’re reading now, is what summer means to me.

After going and having a laugh with friends, we went to sunbathe. Just a clarification, I went to sunburn: I don’t tan. But I was lying there, on the grass (not a good idea if you have hay fever), the sun beating down into me, seeping into my skin and for a moment, just a moment, I wasn’t worried about anything. I didn’t care how pale I looked compared to the girl with gorgeous skin next to me. I didn’t care that the grass was starting to itch. I didn’t care that I could’ve/ should’ve been doing my prep, or reading, or writing or anything else.

In that moment, I was in that moment.

It was just me. The sun soaking into my skin, the heat rays warming me, surrounded with people I love, in an incredible school, with a whole life ahead of me. It was just me, smiling, laughing, feeling really and truly happy. That kind of happy that goes beyond a smile or a laugh, the kind that doesn’t go away.

We, then, went on to go cartwheel in the grass and have stupid year 4 competition about them, all of us laughing. We were all in the moment. We went on to me and my friend making daisy chains and watching a cricket drill, never on our phones or watching anything or even reading: we were in the moment.

So, what is summer to me? It’s laughs, sun, grass and nothing else mattering other than the moment you’re in and the time that you’re living, it’s appreciating the things you have, cartwheels, lemonade and daisy chains,

and maybe that’s exactly what it should be.

love, Hea xx

Why I write

My blog was going to be about how to deal with back to school nerves. Then I realised I’d be back at school when it posted, making it redundant. Maybe September? Either way, todays blog is definitely different.

Todays blog is about my love of writing.

Imagine a beach. You lie on the sand, hot rays of sun coarsing through you, seeming to seep through your skin and warm your whole being. The sea steadily laps in a constant ‘whoosh’ and this peace and contentment fills you, this feeling of complete and utter undeniable bliss.

Can you imagine it?

If your answer’s yes then that’s why I love writing. The thoughts and ideas and feelings inside me, all the things that feel unique to me, well others feel them too. And I love writing because there’s something beautiful about manipulating the English language to paint a picture and provoke an emotion. There’s something beautiful in the way words flow to please the eyes, the way sounds swell to compliment each other in the listeners’ ear, the way language is so unique to location, but feelings are universal. If I can not only speak to your ears, but to your heart then that is why I write.

You know those classic teen movies? And there’s that scene with the character in their convertible with that perfectly hued sunset and beautifully clear sky above them and wind rushing through their perfectly groomed hair and a song like ‘I don’t want to leave’ by Matthew Perryman Jones in the background and the person is so lost in thought that they seem to be enveloped in their own mind?

That’s what writing is to me. It’s those sunset joy rides, those sandy nights on the beach, those times someone’s biting their lip because they’re thinking so hard, those absent minded smiles, those moments that seem so obvious and easy and so simple and you lose yourself in them.

You know that song you were in love with four years ago and when it comes on you can still sing it word for word? Or when you haven’t seen a friend for ages but when you do it’s like everything clicks into place and they’ve never left? You know those things that just come so naturally and easy to you and just become routine? Losing myself in the words I write is one of them for me.

There’s this quote that I’m in love with. ‘She found heaven in a bookstore she got lost in the pages’. I can’t tell you why but for some reason it really speaks to me. When I read (another blog for another time) I lose myself in the words written. I find myself as part of their story. And, this might be a pipe dream and extremely ambitious and vain to say, but one day I hope to write something that someone can lose themselves in. Something that distracts someone right when they need it most.

But more than anything else I want to make a difference.

And I hope to get there, one blog at a time,

Love, Hea xx

Talk about it…

This is something I feel extremely passionate about. Something I’ve talked about before, not on this blog though. Something that affects 1 in 4 people directly and is among the leading causes of ill-health and disability world wide. This blog might be less personal and longer, but if you read through it I honestly think that you will benefit from it. Because statistically, someone you know or you yourself will suffer at some point, and knowing the information can benefit people greatly.

This blog is about mental health issues.

I asked a small group of people I know whether they or someone close to them have suffered from mental health, and from them 75% said yes. I went on to ask people if they could share their experience with me. This are some of the lines that really hit home.

‘…it was my way to ‘unwind’, to feel in control of something’- a friend battling with an eating disorder.

‘…it just doesn’t seem like there’s an end in sight’- a friend battling anxiety

‘…nothing, no one mattered. It was like everything had drained from the world and I was just so completely numb’- a friend talking about her experience with depression.

And this one, which is the main reason I’m making this blog,

‘It’s hard enough going through a mental health issue with lots of support but when you go through it with very little, it’s tough and at times makes you want to give up’- a friend talking about their fight with self harm.

In the US 45% of people deal with untreated mental health issues. There’s so much societal stigma around seeking out help. And the default setting for everyone seems to be happy.

But what if you’re not? What if the way you constantly feel nervous and nauseous and get all those horrible headaches is because of anxiety? What if the reason the colour’s seeped out of the world and you haven’t smiled in months is because you have depression? What if you stopping eating or not eating enough because you want to lose weight isn’t a healthy thing to do?

What if you reach out?

I hope you can all accept that where I am right now, I’m not ready to share my personal experience yet, please respect that. But the one thing that I can undeniably say is: it is not something you have to keep to yourself. It isn’t something that no one can relate to it is not something that is completely unfixable and unmanageable. But hoping for things to get better without making a change is like throwing a stone into the air and hoping it’ll fly on its own: nothing comes from nothing. No solution comes from no change. So go to someone, whether a friend, a teacher, a matron: someone you feel comfortable talking to and share.

And now to those people who are watching someone suffer. I’m going to say something now which will be really really hard to accept. If you haven’t yourself battled with the mental illness the person has, then you might not be able to understand. If you don’t have experience, if you haven’t felt the way that they do, then saying ‘I understand’ or ‘I get that’ will often drive them away from talking to you because they think you’re trivialising how they’re feeling. Never say ‘man up’ or ‘grow a pair’ or ‘just focus on the bright side’ because people struggling with mental health issues can’t do those things easily, if at all. I’m not going to go into details because there are so many different disorders and issues and if you really want to know how to help, google’s a magical place, but sometimes the hardest thing to accept is sometimes you won’t be able to help.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

Text them, spend time with them, write them things, try make them laugh, never judge or laugh at how they say they’re feeling: take them at their word and listen. Be the friend that you would want if you were in their situation.

But there’s one thing that I need to say more than any of this. One thing that needs to be said and, honestly, needs to be heard:

Just because other people can’t see what’s going on in your head doesn’t mean that it’s any less real.

I’m going to repeat something I was told and that’s how I want to finish this, ‘when someone breaks their leg, they walk around on crutches and everyone can see that they need support. But with mental health, people can’t know that they need to help you unless you tell them that something is wrong.

So, that was a long one. Quick thing about the blog: it’s crazy how many messages I get from people saying they like it and, even if I don’t know them, it genuinely makes my day and makes me so happy, so I guess please tell me what you thought of the blog. I’m hoping to post every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday (don’t hold me to that though, i’m also a teen at school trying to get work done). So just I love you all so much and thank you for your support

Love, Hea xx

img_5617.png

Soulmate?

Everyone seems to live these dream lives. Constantly stunning, smiling, with people, laughing, in the most exotic and beautiful places… according to their social media at least. But the moments we remember of the lives we’ve lead, aren’t always the ones documented and captured in time. They’re a laugh, however ‘ugly’ or ‘unattractive’ loud and harsh and real, so real you can’t breathe and are slapping the table opposite your best friend. They’re the tears you cry, and are wiped away from someone who really cares. They’re looks you and your soulmate share and you both know exactly what it means.

This isn’t a sappy teenage love story. This is about me and one of my best friends.

I have a strong belief that everyone deserves to be happy and everyone can find it. Whether it’s acting or singing or sports or writing or reading or music or anything else that brings you that, then do it. But for lots of us, spending time with friends is on that list. And I count myself so incredibly lucky for the people I have in my life, I have some of the most kind and loving and supportive friends out of everyone I’ve ever met and, they know how much they mean to me and who they are, I can never thank them enough for that.

Does anyone else have that friend who’s more of a soulmate? That friend you can cry laugh with, cackle and hurt your cheeks with laughter, and you’re not even sure what you’re laughing about. Where you can say or do anything in the world, and it won’t be judged or change how they see you, they’ll just laugh and laugh? Where they can hear the things you’re not saying just as much as the ones you are?

Because I do.

We actually hated each other with a passion for months before we were friends. Then we were forced to share a room and all I can do is thank god that we were. It led me to meet one of the funniest, realist, fiercest, smartest and kindest friends I’ve ever known.

And it’s been three years. Only three years. But it feels like a forever. It’s not that I just love her. it’s not that she’s incredible. It’s not that I don’t have other best friends, which I do and I know I’ll have texts from people asking why I didn’t do one about them, but here’s the thing.

I don’t know what the future of this blog is. What I hope to get from it, where I want it to go, hell I don’t even know what I’m going to type for the next sentence. So maybe I’ll do a blog like this for all my friends.

But this is the first.

So to you, the girl who help my hand while I was drowning, to you the friend who loved me when I didn’t love myself, to you the person who has undeniably changed my life: thank you. For all you’ve done, all you do and all you are. Thank you. You found the light in me when I could only see the dark. You helped me feel when I wanted everything to stop. You supported and loved me in ways I don’t even think you realised. Thank you.

I love you.

Who are you when you’re alone?

We all have so many roles in our life, parts we play at different times. I’m sister, daughter, cousin, niece, friend, god-daughter, student, confidant, woman, girl and so many others. When I’m with some people, I’m a friend, in situations I have to be a woman and in some I get to be a girl. So much of who we are with someone and how we act is dictated by our relationship with them. But who are we when we’re alone?

Are you happy, sad, crazy, funny, dull? Are you content in your own company or do you crave that of others? Can you busy yourself with tasks, can you relax or are you always on your toes?

When you’re alone and don’t have to be anyone for anyone else, who are you?

I know that for myself, I’m an extroverted introvert or an ambivert. That for me means I can adapt well, but if given the choice I’d enjoy my own company rather than that of a big party. But in my family that can come as an issue.

You see my mum is definitely one who enjoys hosting and parties, being social comes so naturally to her. Same for my sister, she loves parties and hosting and spending time with people. My brother is more reserved but is always up for a good time and social interaction.

And the thing is, it isn’t ‘cool’ to want to spend your time with a book. It won’t help your social standing to have watched all the shows on Netflix. People won’t clammer at your feet because you spend your days huddled with Microsoft word, typing away.

But this is who I am, you know? I love my friends with my whole heart, but I also value the time I get to spend with myself. If I’m honest, I don’t enjoy meeting new people, it scares me. If I’m even more honest, often on the day I have something planned I would much rather be alone than spend time with that person. And it isn’t that I don’t love them and want to spend time with them, it’s just that I need some time for me.

And is it just me, or is it hard to accept that? That you’d rather be alone? I feel like some kind of social leper and I hate it, but at the same time I can’t change it.

So I think it’s about finding a balance between time with others and time with yourself. For some people it will be as much time as possible with others, live their life alone on FaceTime, text until 2AM and wake up with a text ready, just for that social interaction they crave. For some it will be avoiding people and having to spend time with them when they can, when they must they will but never truly comfortable and just living their life alone.

For me? I try to make the most of whatever time I’m spending. If I’m alone I’d hope to be writing or watching something, not always on my phone. When I’m with people, I like to focus on them. But who am I when I’m alone?

A version of myself that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let people see.

Love, Hea x