a deathless life?

This is a short one, kind of to convey the point,

Do you ever dream of a deathless life? One where you live for as long as you choose, can die whenever you choose. You could either age naturally or stay at one age for as long as you like. All the rush and urgency removed, living each day with no fear.

But, on the one hand, despite how great it might be, it would take any meaning, any purpose from the days on our planet. Remove any satisfaction and contentment because you could relive as many days as you’d want, quite literally forever, and get the end result you so dearly craved. It would take away the fleetingness of our days, it would take away the need to try because you can try as many times as you like.

One of the thing that makes humanity beautiful is the way that we live each day like it could be our last. We value all the memories we make, we value the things we put effort and time into, but when time is infinite, where will that value come from?

If the urgency of life was missing, could we really call it living?

Love, Hea xx

What is a best friend?

It makes no sense for there to be a ‘best friend’. There are some friends you laugh with, some you cry with, some you dream with. There are some you fight with, there are some you chat with and there are some you do it all with, and if you find that person then you are very lucky because not many of us do.

There are so many people in all of our lives. Some we’re best friends, some we’re close, some we’re friends, some we’re friendly, and some we just don’t like. And that’s okay,

But why does our friendship have to be put in a box?

I have a friend to get existential with. A friend to laugh until I cry with. A friend to cry until I laugh with. A friend to watch a movie with. A friend to gossip and bitch with. A friend to hate with. A friend to joke with. I have many who do most, if not all of these things, but here’s the thing:

No one person on this planet is perfect.

No one will never annoy you. No one will never upset you. No one will never anger you. But I think what makes a best friend is having a kind of relationship where the good overrides the bad.

The other day me and one of my best friends were discussing what we thought the others worst trait was. Hers to me was a hypocrite (yes, there is a blog coming up about that) and hers was being strongly opinionated.

But you know what else being a best friend means?

Their most annoying trait being their favourite trait of yours at the same time. My opinionated friend, one of the things that made me love her in the first place was the way she was so passionate and fierce in her beliefs. I have one friend who would do anything for anyone, and while that’s her best trait, at the same time there can be negative impacts on herself so it can be the worst. I have a friend who believes so strongly in her sense of wrong and right. And while fighting against her might be a nightmare, at the same time just to know her is so be drawn in be her passion and love for her friends, loyalty being on her lists of rights.

So, do I have a best friend?

No I don’t. I have a few best friends who I love with my whole heart but, no I don’t have one definite best friend,

And I’m not even sorry.

The fact is I love all my friends for the different things they bring to my life, and who am I to decide who’s my favourite?

Love, Hea xx

My experience with depression

Guys, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. My heart is pounding and my head is spinning and I’m not just scared, I’m terrified.

This blog as a whole is about topical issues and our society and are always very positive and optimistic, but as a rule quite impersonal.

But this post is about my experience with depression.

I’m being open and honest and I’m genuinely shaking but this is a blog I’ve been meaning to do since starting Hea.

One piece of feedback I regularly get back is that my blog is no bull and no sugar coating so this won’t be any different. I am not posting this for attention or pity or anything in-between: this is close to me and people I know, so needs to be said.

I had depression. Severe atypical depression for two to three months. Not too long a time in the grand scheme of things,

But it felt like a lifetime.

It was like being surrounded with smoke. You can’t see clearly and that makes it harder to think clearly and that makes it more tiring to get through a day and then you’re using all your energy just trying to breathe. I always described it as a ‘grey haze’ because the world was so drained and lifeless and colourless and exhausting and it was like the air was too heavy, too thick, for me, thicker than it seemed to be for anyone else. And I had to keep going. I went to lessons, tried to concentrate, tried to concentrate on concentrating, all the while trying to be normal and act like everything was fine.

But it wasn’t.

I know, I was fine some of the time. Not just fine, good. That’s why it’s atypical. And I know two to three months is not a long time in comparison to others who have had it. For some people it can last literally years and for some people it’s genetic and clinical and never goes away and for some people it’s annual at winter with SAD. And my god am I sorry to anyone who has that, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that is.

Because my lord is it hard. Hard to try and care, hard to feel like you’re letting everyone down while not having the energy to do anything about it, hard to keep going when everything in you screams ‘stop!’

And I don’t want people going on about how strong and brave I am because I did what I had to do to get through it. Hearing ‘why do you look so depressed?’ almost daily didn’t help, nor did people miming shooting themselves or hanging themselves,

But I did what I had to.

And I’m better. That’s why I’m writing this today. I was walking through the village and as I walked down the street I was just smiling at people, smiling for no reason, other than the fact that I’m happy. I’m me again. With a little help from my friends, both medicinal (legally) and human, I’m getting through it. Still not perfect, still not 100%, but I’m happy

And if you’re struggling I’m not gounna say ‘it gets better’ because if someone said that to me I would’ve rolled my eyes but I’ll say this: it doesn’t have to last forever. i know it feels like it will, but it won’t. there will be good days and bad days, but the bass will get less bad, and the goods even better. give it time.

Love, Hea xx

‘Look up’

In a world full of mains and privs do you ever think we forget how to live the life we were given? In a screen programmed for these programs that we cram into our minds to leave our world behind in hope that we’ll find something to fill the hole that consumes us whole and leaves no room for anything but Netflix? Ever start wondering if we’re so busy pondering our number of likes we forget how to love? Ever think our eyes are so glued to the screens it seems like you’d rather be in your phone all alone than with those who can mean something to you, outside of that screen?

Do you ever wonder if we fall into the screens, the LED lights, and we’ve fallen too far to live our lives?

We’re losing ourselves. My step brother wrote a poem and it says exactly what I want to:

Look up 

Born into the twenty-first century

known as Millennials, Generation Y,

hard-wired by screens

we are found lost.

Numbed by the phones we float,

trapped high in the cloud,

we count likes like zombies,

addicted to the dopamine

but protected by the filters

we sit alone.

Let go,

listen to the screen shatter beneath you

and look up.

Now I am such a hypocrite, as my best friend would tell you. I complain about our generation of social media zombies, all the while ‘addicted to the dopamine’. I rant about short attention spans and LED lights while I can hardly get through a film. And here’s the thing: so many people have talked to me about how they hate that they feel like they’re missing out on living because of the screen they live in, instead of the world.

But who am I to complain? Without the internet, well you wouldn’t be reading this, would you? How many of you got here via email or a link? 

I love the way the internet can connect us. It can bring us together. But in too many ways. It undeniably divides us.

So, if you ask me, there’s a balance. Between utilising the incredible opportunities that the internet and social media give us, and letting ‘the screen shatter beneath you’. Between enjoying what you can do, but not losing yourself in that world.  Between controlling your phone, instead of letting it control you.

And if you get there, or are already there, then good on you.

Some us are still stuck

Love, Hea xx

don’t just exist in your life, live it

What’s the word? The word for when your heart fills and your mind buzzes and you just cannot get rid of that grin on your face? When you hear the thing you’ve been wanting to, waiting to, for too long? ‘You did it’, ‘It’s a boy’ or ‘I love you’. It can be as short as three words, or one, ‘yes’. As long as your language would allow a sentence to be. It could just be the right look at the right time from the right person and you just feel it. How can you put that feeling into words? That smile hidden, the smirk, because you just can’t stop yourself? That feeling of electricity coursing through your veins? That heart race and complete contentment, undeniable and unstoppable? You know what I’m talking about, right? You wanna know what I call it? What word encompasses all those strong feelings, that undeniable joy?

A purpose.

For those sunny days where the heat seeps through your skin, for those rainy days where you and your friend can’t breathe through the laughter, for those moments with that person you love where you just never want them to end. For the tears you cried and someone wiped away, for those lonely nights made better by the only person who could, for those secret jokes and moments, memories in your mind which mean more to you than any money or gift ever could. You want to know what I call it?

A reason.

What’s the word? The word which encompasses all of the laughs, each tear, every secret, every secret smile and hidden scar. What’s the word which describes every feeling and emotion you’ve ever felt.

Oh yeah, it’s called living.

And just you, still being here reading this, just your eyes scanning over my words, just the breath you just let out and the one you’re about to take in,

Well it proves you’re doing a damn good job.

Love, hea xx


This blog is actually one that was requested by a friend, and to that person just know I’m sending all my love today. This blog is about loss. 

Now, I personally don’t have a considerable amount of first hand experience with loss, but I know people who have. We all do.

I’m not going to sugar coat it like I’ve seen too many people do, losing someone close to you, regardless of how they’re close, is so heartbreaking. It is upsetting, it’s awful for the people left behind and it’s so genuinely hard to live your life without them. Even in the small things, what they’d look like now, who they would be, whether they’d come to this event or that one.

It’s so horrible knowing that there’s nothing you can do to change the fact that they’re gone. 

But the thing is, you can change how you are with the people you still have.

Now I’m not saying for a moment that this will make up for them not being there. I’m not saying that it’s easy or that it doesn’t hurt. I would never assume to know how you’re feeling, not for a second would I pretend that anything’s made any easier by ‘looking on the bright side’. And sometimes, just being positive is that hardest thing in the world.

But I think that there’s a balance. A balance between missing the person you’ve lost, and loving the people you have.

As awful as losing someone really is, it makes people stronger. It helps them find strength in them that they had no clue they had. It can make people more appreciative, more brave and more than anything else: often the people who have hurt the most, smile the brightest because they know that as horrible as the lows are, you can always appreciate the highs.

So if you’ve lost someone close to you, I am really and truly sorry. I will never know how you feel, never be able to feel exactly what you do,

But there are three things to know.

Firstly, there are people still here, whether you need to talk or to cry or to sit in silence, there are people here.

Secondly, you may never get the person back, but you are strong enough to keep going,

And lastly, as long as you remember them, they’re never truly gone.

Love, Hea xx

Mental health isn’t a punchline

List of things which is off limits to say (in regards to mental health)

  • You look so depressed
  • I swear this is giving me anxiety
  • Lol, I guess she’s bipolar aha
  • God, someone has anorexia, look at her legs
  • I feel like eating disorders may be a good thing for some people…
  • If he killed himself, like, I’d throw a party
  • She just self harms for attention
  • I’d get you mental help, but you’re too far gone to be fixed
  • I don’t get why she can’t just be happy
  • Just relax for once! And don’t blame this on your anxiety like you always do

Do I look like I have serious mental illness? Oh, is this situation giving you a mental disorder? She has mood swings and that makes her a manic depressive? You can tell a psychological disorder by the size of her thighs? Someone’s too overweight in your mind so they should develop a potentially life threatening complex? If someone were to end their life, it would make you happy? So she hides her scars, lies when asked and brings physical pain to her body, for other people right? You’re trying to give someone more self doubt and hatred and turn them away from the idea of reaching out? Want her to just be happy, try chemically lacking the hormones which make people happy? And you think he’s blaming things on his anxiety? Try living a day in his life.

Mental health is not a punchline. These are things i’ve genuinely heard people say. People take so much for granted. The average person laughs 15 times a day. Someone with serious depressive episodes? 0. Can you imagine a day with no genuine laughter, smiles or happiness. And can you imagine it for an extended amount of time, like years?

No? Then don’t throw around the word ‘depressed’ or ‘depression’.

The fact is: mental health is serious. So take it seriously.

Sorry that this one is so heavy but I’ve been meaning to do this for a while  

Love, Hea xx