Who are you when you’re alone?

We all have so many roles in our life, parts we play at different times. I’m sister, daughter, cousin, niece, friend, god-daughter, student, confidant, woman, girl and so many others. When I’m with some people, I’m a friend, in situations I have to be a woman and in some I get to be a girl. So much of who we are with someone and how we act is dictated by our relationship with them. But who are we when we’re alone?

Are you happy, sad, crazy, funny, dull? Are you content in your own company or do you crave that of others? Can you busy yourself with tasks, can you relax or are you always on your toes?

When you’re alone and don’t have to be anyone for anyone else, who are you?

I know that for myself, I’m an extroverted introvert or an ambivert. That for me means I can adapt well, but if given the choice I’d enjoy my own company rather than that of a big party. But in my family that can come as an issue.

You see my mum is definitely one who enjoys hosting and parties, being social comes so naturally to her. Same for my sister, she loves parties and hosting and spending time with people. My brother is more reserved but is always up for a good time and social interaction.

And the thing is, it isn’t ‘cool’ to want to spend your time with a book. It won’t help your social standing to have watched all the shows on Netflix. People won’t clammer at your feet because you spend your days huddled with Microsoft word, typing away.

But this is who I am, you know? I love my friends with my whole heart, but I also value the time I get to spend with myself. If I’m honest, I don’t enjoy meeting new people, it scares me. If I’m even more honest, often on the day I have something planned I would much rather be alone than spend time with that person. And it isn’t that I don’t love them and want to spend time with them, it’s just that I need some time for me.

And is it just me, or is it hard to accept that? That you’d rather be alone? I feel like some kind of social leper and I hate it, but at the same time I can’t change it.

So I think it’s about finding a balance between time with others and time with yourself. For some people it will be as much time as possible with others, live their life alone on FaceTime, text until 2AM and wake up with a text ready, just for that social interaction they crave. For some it will be avoiding people and having to spend time with them when they can, when they must they will but never truly comfortable and just living their life alone.

For me? I try to make the most of whatever time I’m spending. If I’m alone I’d hope to be writing or watching something, not always on my phone. When I’m with people, I like to focus on them. But who am I when I’m alone?

A version of myself that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let people see.

Love, Hea x

Hoping ever after?

This blog won’t be daily but I want to do two days in a row to explain something: my name. Hoping ever after aka Hea.

In all of the fairy tails that we were raised to read, in all the bedtime stories that we were read, they end with a ‘happily ever after’. A lovely and humble princess ruling over a beautiful kingdom, a family reunited and above all: a world at peace. a just and fair society. Do you know why people believe in fairy tails? Because it’s the only magic they’ll ever have in their life, the only time it’s okay to believe in the impossible, a time it’s possible to see something more than ourselves.

In the world we live in, in the time we live in, plenty of things are wrong and plenty of things are right. In our part of the world, people are treated mainly equally, there’s more awareness and acceptance of people’s beliefs or mental health issues; as a whole we are an inclusive society.

But what about the rest of the world? Places where woman are treated as inferior, places where slavery is still legal, places where you could not only be judged for your beliefs, but shunned and even imprisoned? There are even injustices and bias in our society. But how is this wrong going to be righted?

As many people who have heard me rant before know, and as many people reading this will soon find out, I believe that the small things have the biggest impact. Before the big issues can be battled, before there can be any big change, we have to build a foundation, a base for those issues to build on. And by the small things I believe we can get there.

What if happily ever after wasn’t just for fairy tails? What if that just and fair society is one day for real life? Maybe it’s a bit ambitious: but I can hope.

Hope is the one thing that keeps people going. Hope for a future, hope for happiness; hope for a tomorrow. And my hope is for our world to have its happily ever after. So, here I am, hoping ever after,

Love, Hea xx

What is this blog?

as a first blog i’m sure i should make this about me. tell anyone who happened to stumble on this about who i am. but who am i without the people i love? who are any of us without the people who have shaped us and changed us? so i’ll tell you a short version of my life so far, but not about me. i was born 14 years ago from a mother who has done nothing but tried to do the best for me and a father who has worked so hard for me to be here today. i met my incredibly dopey but obscenely kind and funny brother and my ridiculously smart and strong sister. sadly my amazing parents did break up, but from it i got a kind hearted and passionate step mother and two incredible step brothers who i love with my whole heart. things have gone wrong and things have gone right and down the road i’ve met so many people who have changed me and i don’t care whether they changed me for better or for worse: the fact is i’m different. and i’m at a point where i’m trying my hardest to be thankful for the people who have hurt me because they made me who i am today. and here’s the thing with that mindset: it’s hard. it’s hard to feel thankful for the things that hurt you. it’s hard to look on the bright side. it’s so incredibly hard to see the positive when it feels like you’re drowning in negative: but sometimes you just need to try.

of the people i’ve met, there are some who have been such blessings in my life. supported and loved me, cared and stood by me and above all: they have loved me and shown that they loved me. i’ve made plenty of mistakes but the people who love me see past that and i can never thank them enough for that.

what is this blog? well it’s me. it’s me being open and honest and venerable in a way that terrifies me. it’s me letting the world in, me reaching out to the world. i just hope the world reaches back.