We all have so many roles in our life, parts we play at different times. I’m sister, daughter, cousin, niece, friend, god-daughter, student, confidant, woman, girl and so many others. When I’m with some people, I’m a friend, in situations I have to be a woman and in some I get to be a girl. So much of who we are with someone and how we act is dictated by our relationship with them. But who are we when we’re alone?
Are you happy, sad, crazy, funny, dull? Are you content in your own company or do you crave that of others? Can you busy yourself with tasks, can you relax or are you always on your toes?
When you’re alone and don’t have to be anyone for anyone else, who are you?
I know that for myself, I’m an extroverted introvert or an ambivert. That for me means I can adapt well, but if given the choice I’d enjoy my own company rather than that of a big party. But in my family that can come as an issue.
You see my mum is definitely one who enjoys hosting and parties, being social comes so naturally to her. Same for my sister, she loves parties and hosting and spending time with people. My brother is more reserved but is always up for a good time and social interaction.
And the thing is, it isn’t ‘cool’ to want to spend your time with a book. It won’t help your social standing to have watched all the shows on Netflix. People won’t clammer at your feet because you spend your days huddled with Microsoft word, typing away.
But this is who I am, you know? I love my friends with my whole heart, but I also value the time I get to spend with myself. If I’m honest, I don’t enjoy meeting new people, it scares me. If I’m even more honest, often on the day I have something planned I would much rather be alone than spend time with that person. And it isn’t that I don’t love them and want to spend time with them, it’s just that I need some time for me.
And is it just me, or is it hard to accept that? That you’d rather be alone? I feel like some kind of social leper and I hate it, but at the same time I can’t change it.
So I think it’s about finding a balance between time with others and time with yourself. For some people it will be as much time as possible with others, live their life alone on FaceTime, text until 2AM and wake up with a text ready, just for that social interaction they crave. For some it will be avoiding people and having to spend time with them when they can, when they must they will but never truly comfortable and just living their life alone.
For me? I try to make the most of whatever time I’m spending. If I’m alone I’d hope to be writing or watching something, not always on my phone. When I’m with people, I like to focus on them. But who am I when I’m alone?
A version of myself that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let people see.
Love, Hea x